My own entourage

I think that my teenage fanclub has escalated to the status of entourage ... and while they don't offer to pick up my dry cleaning and walk the dogs just yet, I wouldn't be suprised if that started happening in the coming months. I even get the occasional little present - cookies, Happy Bunny notebooks, scarves, and thus far none of them have been poisoned, so that's a good sign, right? While having a constant crowd of people around me does have its perks, it also keeps me from getting any work done all day long. Oh really, who am I kidding - I don't have work to do! Sure there are books to be both weeded and ordered, programs to plan, and meetings to attend, but the main part of my job seems to be chatting with kids all day long. And if the powers that be have a problem with this I would be very surprised, because they did tell me that they hired me to talk to teens, and dammit, that's what I'm doing!

So who are these famous teens I talk so much about? Allow me share with you a few of the kids who make up the entourage. It's too bad that I can't name names, because some of them are quite incredible in that modern day "I named my son after my favourite car or tree" way, but in keeping with the general anonymity of this blog I think it's for the best.

S is the original member. He approached me 2 days after I first started working at the library, and offered the suggestion of having a sleepover at the library, an idea which is still being reviewed by me because honestly, how much fun would that be for me and everyone involved in planning it? That's right, none. S is 13, loves all things Tim Burton and is a self-proclaimed Emo, wearing a variety of black t-shirts, safety pins, buttons, and ties. I love him to bits and wish more kids could be like him, but worry what will happen when he goes to high school next year. I'm a little worried about that, because while he is very independent I think he could easily fall into the "wrong" crowd.

R is another founding member - he provided the "rapper" demographic that was much desired by the talented local videographer of our lovely town when he made a video about the teen area. R is an aspiring musician; he has written songs (which are posted on Nexopia) and has big dreams of a career as DJ Gecko. Since he joined the Teen Advisory Board he has started calling me his "coordinator" to his friends when he introduces me, which is sweet even if it is a little misleading. Like most 16 year old boys he has a degree of sensitivity mixed with his anger management issues. Was rightfully pissed off when the cops confiscated his spikey metal bracelet because they considered it a wepaon, and wants to drop kick one of the security guards at the library. I would be in supprt of this action (because the security guard in question is the moron who told me to "Shhhh") were it not for the fact he would be permanently kicked out of the library and possibly arrested. Loves Linkin Park, Korn, and any other bands that as an "old" person I find much too loud.

K1 is an irritating but cute 12 yr old who, like a puppy, will do his best to get into anything he's not allowed access to. Loves stealing food, things that appear necessary to me (such as my keys), and is obsessed with the mini handcuffs on my keychain. Has hair that is a little too long for a boy his age, but would look absoloutely darling if he would just let me give him some little pigtails.

K2 is 17 but looks and acts much younger, which could be due to a number of factors. I don't dare to assume what her childhood has been like as she has epilepsy that gives her seizures fairly often, a 14 year old sister with cerebral palsy and a 15 year old asshole of a brother. She has a huge heart and is very helpful in volunteering at the library, but I'm worried because lately her seizures have been escalating and could keep her from achieving any number of things in life. Recently, she let me read a story she had written about her and her sister, which was sweet but seemed like it was written by a 8 year old - filled with grammatical mistakes, "likes", "ya's", "lols" and emoticons that didn't really fit in the story. If I were a religious person I would pray for her; instead I will just hope for the best.

C is 15 and attends Outreach school after leaving a highschool where she was likely quite badly bullied. Apparently, for one of the girls who teased her, she filled the girl's boots with instant oatmeal during gym class. Man, why didn't I think of doing that in high school? I can think of a few people who would have deserved that. C is very clingy and now considers me her best friend, which is cute but also a little annoying. She loves Hilary Duff, Neopets, and is a Jehovah's Witness who up until yesterday tried to counsel me about why I didn't believe in god. Yesterday she came in and told me her parents are getting divorced and she no longer believes in god. She writes typical teenage girl poetry and one of her poems won an online poetry contest; the only catch was that she is supposed to fly to Las Vegas (by her own expense) if she wants to accept the prize and trophy.

A is 19 and is extremely obsessed with Japanese graphic novels. She is also slightly obsessive compulsive and talks very quickly, rubs her hands and occasionally sways back and forth when talking to you. During each visit, she will order multiple books and movies, reminding me constantly that the new series will be very popular and many people other than her will be sure to like it as well. The good news is that she's right, and is oddly skilled at predicting pop culture trends, but the bad news is that roughly 70 percent of my graphic novel budget is spent on her, and at any given time she has about 50 books on hold and 50 on order.

D is the other one who helps me decide which graphic novels to buy, but as opposed to A who is quite harmless, D is a psycho lesbian stalker who I really wish would pick another mid-sized Canadian town to live in. Miss "Happy Monkey Lucky" sends me a constant barrage of emails usually somehow involved in saving the world, and even decided to look me up in the phone book and call me at home. If she had just left a message (thank god for call display) saying hi that would be one thing, but hers was a sad and pathetic "I had a really good time talking to you at the library, I love you, I miss you" message that I promptly deleted, and then told told her to fuck off when I saw her next. I wish. I just told her to please not call me at home and she practically started crying, and for a few weeks following that treated me like I was the bitch who broke her heart. Apparently she has forgiven me because she now comes to see me on a regular basis. By the way, D is 30, not a teenager, which makes her all the more freaky for hanging out in the teen area.

M is a recent addition to the entourage - has a crush on S (who of course has never even heard of her), loves horses, has braces and also loves to try and steal my keys. At other times she just collapses into fits of giggles that can last for up to an hour. I can identify with both the braces and the giggles. Oh, to be a 13 year old girl again.

J is a 13 year old in a 42 year old's body. He has occasional moments of brilliance, mixed with other moments of childish behaviour, which again, is very fitting of a teenage boy. He also has a crush on S, likes to hide behind shelves, comes up with ideas for picture books - his current vision is a story about Four Eyes (me) and Biscuit-Head (him) - and has pondered philosophically about what would happen if he were king, Canada and Russian teamed up against the United States, and the polar icecaps flooded. He's quite literally all over the place, but I love that about him. Although there is a strong chance that he is gay I'm not sure if he fully understands this about himself yet, and while I am all for this, unfortunately, I'm probably the only person in this homophobic town who is.

H is 19 and one of the pages at the library. She is mildly autistic and has read every teen book that has to do with England, Scotland or Ireland, as well all of the Louise Rennison/ Cathy Hopkins variety of chick lit. At a party we had for the pages and teen kids of staff members I observed her taking Doritos out of the bag and placing them in a symmetrical pattern on her plate, and then throwing them all in the garbage because someone touched the plate. I love that she is a voracious reader but wish she would be a little more open minded about what she reads.

Kinky librarians

So maybe it is true after all - maybe librarians really are as kinky as everyone says. Maybe I should call up the guy I went out with twice who told me that, right after he called me a cock tease, and apologize to him. Just kidding - I'd rather clean up more vomit in the library sooner than do that. Anyways, according to the show Sexual Secrets on the Life Network, librarians are number five on the top ten list of favourite sexual fantasy women, a list which also included Lolitas, vamps and mommy figures. Number five - yeehaw! Even if it's not true (and I'm not admitting to anything), it's still a self-esteem booster. Of course, it would have been even better if this was on a a Showcase top ten list, the channel that undoubtedtly has the sexiest shows around. Oh well, I 've got to take what I can get, right? Maybe I'll put this valuable information on my library's blog... they might have some suggestions as to how we can make it to number one by next year.

Sophie

I just read the psychological, fantastic and confusing novel Sophie, by Guy Burt, and would love to tell you what it's about, but if I did, I would have to kill you. So I won't. Plus saying much of anything would give away the slowly-building shocker of an ending, and that just wouldn't do, and it's only fair that everyone has a chance to get as confuzzled as I did when I read it. Bit of a paradox, really, because if I don't describe it then you may not want to read it because you don't know anything about it, but if I do describe it then you will know too much and also not want to read it. Damned if I do and damned if I don't, so you'll have to take my word on this one. All you need to know: it's British, the alternating narration is disorienting but brilliant, there's swearing (even the dreaded "C" word is used, and no it's not "cock"), it's about a couple of truly fucked up kids, and you should read it. The word is cunt, by the way ... sorry if you're shocked by that, but I am the Swearing Librarian, so don't tell me you're suprised to hear me say it. Cunt cunt cunt. Got a little out of hand there, sorry .. and the word really is no reflection on the book whatsoever, which if I didn't already mention, is really good. Please let me know if and when you read it and we can talk about the ending, because I don't like it when I'm not sure how a book ends. I can't stop thinking about it, can't sleep, and end up writing dumb blog entries like this one. The second one of the night, for fuck's sake!

It's like ra-aa-ain on your wedding day...

Isn't it ironic, don't you think? No, it's just shitty, as my brother and I determined a while ago - almost all of the situations in Alanis' song "Ironic" merely describe shitty, and not ironic, situations. But I digress ... I just wanted to say how hilarious it is to see people in my lovely mid-sized Canadian town get freaked out about the rain. They're fine with it being minus 40 and windy as hell in the winter time, but when it rains a little during the summer (as it also did last year) they grumble, whine and complain about being depressed, lethargic, and altogether out of sorts. I'm not saying I'm a big fan of rain, and that was certainly not the case when I moved here from Raincouver a year ago ... I couldn't wait to have a fucking dry summer, fall, winter and spring. Ok sure eternally peeling hands and feet, nosebleeds, shocks and always being thirsty are slight down sides to the dryness, but personally, and even though it may be slowly killing me, I have to say I much prefer the dryness of this province. That being said, a little rain never hurt anyone - in fact, it's probably making people healthier without them even knowing it! Yes, yes, this post was a little pointless and full of contradiction ... a little like my job is sometimes.

Ewww!

I think a lot of people don't really understand what is involved in being a librarian, and the potential for really strange and grotesque jobs that need to be done once and awhile. For example, today I got to clean up dried vomit off of a shelf that may have been there for years. I was minding my own business weeding books, and around about the honorable Robert Cormier section I noticed a crusty white substance that worried me a little, because on one of Cormier's books (Tunes for Bears to Dance to) there was a wee bit of mold, which is never good where books are involved, especially ones as good as Robert Cormier's. I thought that the whole shelf might have been similarly infected with mold, and that it had taken the form of crusty white stuff. Well let's just say I WISH it was mold ... when I took the books off and washed the shelf, I was met with the familiarly disgusting smell of vomit. I washed it off and bleached the shelf, and contemplated throwing out all the books in the surrounding, but settled for getting rid of some, re-ordering some, and wiping a few down. The weird thing, however, is that while it is partially crusted onto the bottom of some of the books, it is not splashed on any, which indicated to me that someone threw up on an empty shelf and put the books back on. WHY WOULD SOMEONE DO THAT?! It makes no sense to me whatsoever, and I also wonder why no one (myself included) saw this earlier. Surely the pages would have noticed it when shelving or shelf-reading books in that area ... but I guess not. I feel a bit ill now - does this qualify as a worker's compensation situation?!

Previously on 24

Well it's been awhile and so much has happened that I should probably report on my fascinating life once again. Just kidding ... I live in a mid-sized Canadian town, how much can really happen in a week? And this post has nothing to do with 24 ... I just could hear Kiefer Sutherland's husky voice saying "previously on 24" as I started writing. Or maybe it was the Ford truck commercial that reminded me of him.

While I may not have many newsworthy events to detail, I do (surprise surprise) have some things to bitch about. Oh yeah, for those interested, the dumbass security guard hasn't pissed me off lately, and my 13 year old friend is still into Shakespeare. When he finishes The Tempest I'm going to give him Grace Tiffany's surreal book Ariel, as it is a strange retelling of that play. Then maybe I'll give him Prospero's Books ... or not. It's bad enough I told him to watch Slings and Arrows on Showcase - if his mom ever finds out I put her 13 year old son onto the network channel with the most sex, she'll kill me. Just like the way I'm going to try and get my co-worker's overly Christian sweet young daughter to start reading raunchy books. This is the same girl who said "oh, I can't lie ... I'm a Christian!" I say bring on the Gossip Girls, baby! She's got to learn about it somehow and seeing as how she won't be allowed to have sex before she gets married, I figure it's my duty as a librarian to help her. Maybe I should have titled my blog "Subversive Librarian". And speaking of Slings and Arrows, I just saw an old episode of Due South and was reminded how hot and great of an actor Paul Gross is. Granted Due South is not a very good tv show, but that's irrelevant. It was even sexier in the later episodes when it had Callum Keith Rennie in it - Canadian hunk sandwich! I can't believe I just said that. It's true, though.

I was at a meeting of the Teen Health Network this week (don't ask me why the library needs to be represented on that committee ... maybe because half of the drug problem in our city is going on in and around the library) and had to listen to this girl, who is about my age, snivel about how after 6 months she has decided to take a job in a bigger-sized Canadian city rather than stay here, where she "just doesn't fit in". Oh really, it works that way if you don't like a city - you can just relocate and everyone will accomodate you for your decisions? Suck it up sister! Not everyone loves it here but SOME of us are trying to get a couple years experience before we leave for greener pastures. Literally greener - it doesn't rain a whole lot here. Also funny was when the leader of this Teen Health Network asked me if I was quitting my job, and I said "uh, no (not yet), who told you that I was?" Apparently some girl on another one of her committees said she'd heard that I was. Well it could be worse - there could be rumours about me having sex with my teenage library patrons. Which I would never do, of course.

I've noticed lately that, like many other people on this earth, teens are A) very needy, and B) prone to extreme exaggeration. Like totally. Something is never bad. It's always terrible or the worst thing ever, and good things are often completely awesome or the best thing ever. In a way, I can identify with the teens on this one, because there may have been the rare occasion where I have also participated in such a superlative war. Except for when talking about all the crazy shit that happened to me in South America - that all happened just as I described it. Honest. And with these kids, it's not enough to simply help them find a book - I have to physically go with them to find it on the shelf, even if it's on another floor of the library. They also want me to erase fines so they can use their cards again, and of course, money for bus fare and snacks is always requested. Not that I give it to them, and as I've told them time and time again, "You can ask me all you want but I still won't give you money". However, and at the risk of sounding like I occasionally enjoy my job, there are a few teens I have become quite attached to that I will miss if and when I leave. They may have forgotten about me and moved on by that time, but I'm sure there will be new kids in their place. When I do have these rare moments of reflection, all I have to do is think about the redneck teen, the lesbian stalker and the girl who thinks she has a twin sister, and I come crashing back to earth.