Zee nuts

Apparently my nut allergy is getting worse. Over the last 10 or 15 years, I have had some isolated and uncomfortable allergic reactions to various types of nuts (but not peanuts, because altogether now, "peanuts are a legume, not a nut!"), the most memorable ones including:

• Eating a hazelnut chocolate the summer of 1991 (my brother will surely correct me on that date) the afternoon of the Genesis concert and fearing that I would not be able to go, but luckily I pulled through and made it to my fabulous first concert experience.

• Having an entire bowl of pasta in Cinque Terre, Italy in 1998 before I realized there were, in fact, something called pine nuts (which I had previously never heard of) in pesto and I was quite severely allergic to them.

• Tasting a turkish delight (that just so happened to have pistachio nuts in it) at lunch the first day at my summer readalong job in Raincouver in 2004, turning red and blotchy all over, and having to go home from work early.

And any number of other occasions, sometimes while travelling and sometimes in the comfort of my own country, where I have tasted ice creams, cakes or other foods that are said to not have nuts but upon getting very itchy I know that they really do, by which point in time it is too late and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it.

Now while I have not yet gone into anaphylactic shock or stopped breathing from any of my allergic reactions and have also been fairly lucky in that my allergy does not extend to things with "traces of nuts", nor will I die from the whiff or touch of a nut, my reactions seem to be getting worse. And today there is a new step in the sad story of my nutty affliction: apparently I cannot kiss people who have consumed nuts. My actor boy picked me up from work today, we had a brief kiss, and he proceeded to tell me about an exiting new opportunity wherein he will be directing a one act play penned by his talented and socially inept roommate (who also happens to have frequent loud sex with his girlfriend), and as he was telling me all the details I was getting itchier and itchier.

"Can I ask you a random question? Did you happen to eat nuts today"?

"Oh fuck! I had some trail mix this morning that had pistachios in it!".

Now I really do not blame him for this as I had previously told him it probably didn't matter if he ate nuts, as long as it had been a while ago and he had chewed gum, drank water, etc, but as it happens this is not the case, so here I am experiencing an allergic reaction from a nut I didn't even eat. His soft kiss also managed to turn my lips and chin blotchy red until I washed my face thoroughly, and I will no doubt feel gross for a couple hours, which is standard for my allergic reactions.

So just in case I'm not a bad enough dinner guest what with The IBS, all of you now have my nut allergy to worry about, should you ever make the mistake of inviting me over for dinner.