Bible directors, Part 2

Neil Jordan could direct The Bible, but it would be filmed in Ireland, star Stephen Rea as an abusive alcoholic Joseph, and of course Sinead O'Connor as the Virgin Mary.

Oliver Stone could direct The Bible, but it would all be a big conspiracy theory with some blatant propaganda, patriotism and hopefully a disgruntled Gary Oldman as some kind of hitman. I didn't think that any movie could be more sickeningly American then Saving Private Ryan until I saw the trailer for World Trade Centre. Cue sexy movie voiceover guy:"Every generation has a defining moment ... this was ours". Ok, I guess that's true, as I wasn't around to see JFK being shot and having Kurt Cobain's suicide as a defining moment is just kind of pathetic, but making a movie about 9/11 (however inevitable it was) still pisses me off. It will be interesting to see whether Oliver Stone makes an actual comment on terrorism and whether or not America deserved it, or if it's just a weepy epic with Nicholas Cage looking heroic and dapper. But I digress.

Kevin Smith could direct The Bible but ... oh wait, he already directed Dogma, so he's off the hook for this one. That movie was funny in so many innapropriate ways. Just how I like 'em.

David Cronenberg could direct The Bible but it would it would focus on commandment number 7, thou shalt not commit adultery. Except there would be lots of adultery, as well as some sex in cars before and after crashing those cars. And Jeremy Irons would do something nasty.

Martin Scorscese could direct The Bible but it would have Harvey Keitel as Judas ... oh wait, he already did that too. Damn, all these people are beating me to it.

John Sayles could direct The Bible but it would be a few hours long and while it would be critically acclaimed, I would still fall asleep. Although that may be true of any movie version of the Bible, except for the Ewan Macgregor one.

Roman Polanski could direct The Bible but it would be so explicit it would get banned in several countries, due to the virgin sex scene replacing the virgin birth.

Peter Greenaway could direct the Bible but any sort of Last Supper scene would take on a whole new meaning. Although there may not actually be a Last Supper scene in The Bible - maybe that's just the Da Vinci Code. Oh well - same thing, right?

Michael Moore could direct The Bible but it would be a documentary, and Charlston Heston would have a brief cameo as Moses's father. Did Moses have a father? Maybe I should actually read the Bible. Just kidding!

David Fincher and M. Night Shyamalan could co-direct The Bible but it would have a twist ending involving Brad Pitt and Mister Night himself. And the closing credits would contain bloopers of the two directors kicking the shit out of each other due to creative differences. But you'll have to watch it to know that, because the first rule of director's club is that no one talks about director's club.

Darren Aronofsky and Todd Solondz could co-direct The Bible ... actually, that version would be so fucked up I don't even want to think about it. Maybe we can throw Terry Gilliam and David Lynch in there for good measure too, because I couldn't think of a use for them but wanted them to at least have a crack at it.